Carly Aquilino and Jessimae Peluso on Dating (GQ)
What women want: “Don’t be an asshole and wash your asshole.” It’s that simple! Sort of. We’ll let Carly Aquilino and Jessimae Peluso fill you in on the rest. We tapped the two comediennes—performing together on Saturday as part of the New York Comedy Festival a.k.a. five days worth of the biggest comedy names taking stages all over the city—to lend us their funny for a good cause: your dating life. Here’s their advice for not fucking it up.
GQ: Let’s start at, well, the start: What’s the pickup line that actually works?
Carly Aquilino: The pickup line that works is, like, when guys are just nice and giving you compliments. When they’re like, “Hi, your hair looks good today.” “Hi, I like those shoes.” But then they also might be gay, but—it doesn’t matter.
Jessimae Peluso: I don’t like lines; just be you. Because when you try, you end up looking like a fool, and we both feel awkward, and now I have to tell you to walk away. I’m keeping the cocktail that you bought me, but you need to walk away.
And the line that’s never going to work?
Carly: Catcalling is pretty much never going to work. Like anytime a guy’s like, “Hey girl! Can we friends?” It’s like, I don’t know you. I’m just walking by right now, and that’s weird. No relationship has ever started from a catcall.
Jessimae: It’s disgusting. Also: stupid jokes. Like remember A Night at the Roxbury? When he was like, “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.” Just sit down, go back home, let’s try this again tomorrow.
Carly: Take a nap; eat a banana.
Jessimae: Yeah, you don’t want to be dehydrated. That’s the problem.
Sexiest drink a guy could order at a bar?
Carly: Just a beer. Because it’s like, Alright, that’s a chill drink. Like if they start getting intricate with it, it’s like, Alright, you’re too much for me, I already know that.
Jessimae: If there are accessories in your cocktail, I’m probably going to walk away. If there’s just like a fruit arrangement, an edible arrangement, outside your cocktail, I’m just going to walk away.
Carly: It’s hot when a dude, for some reason, knows about wine.
Jessimae: Yeah, that’s cool too. That they can know.
Carly: I try and pretend I know, like, “I smell berries and wood.” It’s not even the wine; you’re smelling a candle.
The guy has a date coming over for the first time—what should he do to prepare?
Jessimae: Clean up your place! Put away your smelly boxing gloves, your dirty shorts, and the cheese that’s crushed into your counter from two weeks ago when you and your boys went out drinking until five o’clock in the morning.
Carly: And make sure your bathroom is clean. If you’re having a girl over the house for the first time, make sure your toilet is clean, not disgusting. Guys’ bathrooms are always the most disgusting thing.
Jessimae: One time a guy invited me over, and his bathroom, it looked like he had squatters just in his bathroom. Like, eating and living and doing everything they needed to do in that little space.
Carly: Plates, coffee cups—like, why are you eating in there?
Jessimae: It doesn’t make any sense. And you want me to stay overnight? I mean, I will but I’m going to squat.
What should a guy do if he forgot his ladyfriend’s birthday?
Carly: That’s a bad one. Plan a surprise and be like, “Hey, I wanted you to think I forgot your birthday, but we’re going away on vacation!” Sorry—can I just tell you guys what’s happening right now? I’m sitting in the car in this parking lot in the middle of New Jersey, and some guy’s trying to sell my dad a rap CD, and it’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened, and he didn’t want to interrupt, so now he got out of the car and now he’s talking to the rapper. My dad’s like, “I don’t like rap music,” and the guy’s like, “No, but your daughter looks like she likes rap music.” And he’s like, “That is true. That’s one hundred percent true.” So that ‘s a pickup line that’s going to work. I’m going to get his number.
Jessimae: That’s a good pickup line: “Hey girl, you like rap?”
Carly: My dad just bought a fucking rap CD. OK, I’m done.
OK—what’s a good first sext to introduce sexting to the relationship?
Jessimae: The problem is, women are a little bit more poetic with their words, I think, and men are just a little bit more black and white. Women will be like, “Ooh, I can’t wait for you to come over later. I’m gonna make you feel so good.” And, Carly’s got a joke about how guys text, they’re like, “It’s dick-in-your-ass o’clock.”
Carly: Maybe if he texts just like, “Hey, I can’t wait to see you later,” and is just nice about it and nothing like weird, nothing too intricate, nothing crazy. Especially if you first start dating someone, you’re going to scare her away. She gonna be like, Alright, this guy’s a fucking serial killer.”
Jessimae: One time I accidentally sent a text message—a sext—to my boyfriend’s mother. This is the messed up part: It was sent to their landline, and I didn’t even know this was a thing, so because it was sent to a landline, it verbalized the text. So she answers the phone, and she heard what my text message was, and it literally was like, [adopts robot voice] “Come over and put your dick inside of me.”
Sexiest non-sexual thing that someone could do to win you over?
Carly: Make me laugh.
Jessimae: Make me laugh, and if he’s taking you out, doing something different. Not just like going out for drinks and dinner, like him actually putting some thought into it, even if it’s just something like apple picking, or something that’s like an activity.
Carly: Yeah, something sweet.
Jessimae: That can be sexier than anything anyone could ever say.
Carly: Also manliness is the best thing.
Jessimae: Like a lumberjack—
Carly: Or an astronaut.
Jessimae: Crocodile wrangler.
Carly: Smell like gasoline. Gasoline in the woods.
Jessimae: People who are rude to people for no reason. If you’re rude to anybody that’s beneath you or you treat people like they’re beneath you, I, just, that’s a deal-breaker. It shows a lot about somebody’s integrity, personality, how they are as a person by the way they treat other people.
Carly: And also, I don’t like to be farted in my face.
Jessimae: Yeah, so two things.
Carly: Also, if a guy like bites his nails or bites his toenails. Like, why do they do that shit?
Jessimae: Have you met somebody who does that, Carly?
Carly: Oh my God, I dated him for a year and a half.
Jessimae: That’s flexible—was he a circus clown? This is the thing: there’s this generation of sloppy dudes. The careless hair and the beard and the careless outfitsnot all women like that. And I’m not speaking for all women when I say that we like men that are put together, but most women like a dude that is put together because it means that he’s got his shit together.
Carly: Yeah, like if you shower.
Jessimae: So just wash your asshole. Here you go: Don’t be an asshole and wash your asshole.
And finally: in what way, if any, are you old-fashioned?
Carly: If you go out on a date, for the first date, a guy should pay, a guy should be respectful and, you know, I’m not saying roll out a red carpet, but, like, open the door and just be polite and just have common courtesy. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. And then when you’re in the relationship, you take care of dinner one night, you take him out somewhere, then you go back and forth like that.
Jessimae: The whole dating thing has changed, and there’s so much accessibility to everybody now that the idea of chivalry, really, is kind of deteriorating because girls are more easily accessible to guys, and because of that there’s more competition between women, so because of that women are putting out much easier, and because of that men don’t have to try as hard to win as you over. It’s kind of creating this generation of men that don’t really know about manners because they don’t need to develop manners because girls are just laying the cat out on the field to be had. Being old-fashioned and romantic and all of that stuff, there are girls out there that really appreciate that, and if you’re a guy looking for a relationship, those are the types of girls that will treat you that way back. And don’t pull your dick out on the first date.
By Jen Ortiz for GQ